The Lovin' Blog- a side project

Friday, February 02, 2007

"I’ll have what she’s having"

Every once in a while I get a question from a reader asking how to know "for sure" that their female partner isn’t faking. It seems to be a major concern, especially among the fellas.

Luckily (or unluckily) there are a few ways to tell if your partner is really having as good a time as they say.

A man can really only fake an orgasm during penetrative sex if he doesn’t use a condom or if he disposes of it quickly, before his partner sees that it is suspiciously empty. A woman doesn’t usually have tell-tale spooge to let her partner know that she’s had an orgasm, but there are other physical cues:

The sexual flush — after an orgasm her chest, neck and/or face will blush red for a few moments.

Weak knees — for many women, after an orgasm they will sometimes find their knees weak; they may also find themselves having difficulty forming longer sentences and may prefer to just lay still and cuddle for a while.

Erect nipples — some women’s nipples will become erect during orgasm and for a little while afterwards.

Do not bother listening for loud screams. The porn industry have taught us that over-the-top orgasmic screaming isn’t necessarily an orgasm.

You could just ask her. Few women will say that they are having fun in a genuine way if they are uncomfortable and/or unhappy. If she seems honest in her reassurances, then don’t press the issue. No woman wants to be caught faking, and harassing her after sex, whether she faked or not, could result in you having fewer opportunities to harass her — if you catch my drift.

She doesn’t have to orgasm to have fun or feel good. Not all women can orgasm during sex, some of us just aren’t built to, and not all women can always make it to orgasm every single time. But if you’re listening for her cues during foreplay and sex, and you’re engaging her brain and not just her body, you can be sure that when she tells you that it was good for her too, she’s almost certainly not lying.

Another interesting question e-mailed to me not long ago had to do with something I said in my article about cat-girls in October; this reader asked: "What is the connection with milk and cum?"

Well, let’s see, your average glass of cow’s milk contains 3.4 per cent protein, 3.6 per cent fat and 4.6 per cent lactose. (Lactose is a sugar molecule, made up of two simple sugars). Milk is also full of vitamins and minerals like calcium and vitamins A, D, K and B12.

Now, your average teaspoon of semen contains four per cent sperm, 11.5 per cent prostate fluid, and 60 per cent seminal vesicle fluid. The sperms are little cells made up of a lot of different things, but most notably protein and acrosome (the enzyme used to break down the egg’s barrier). Prostate fluid contains citric acid, acid phosphatase and zinc. The fluid from the seminal vesicles contains some important fatty acids and fructose (like in a peach).

Now that you know more than you probably wanted to about the composition of milk and semen, we can see that chemically, there is a connection between cum and milk. Both contain proteins, sugars and fatty acids.

But that was a little boring, surely the people who make those "Got milk?" adverts and the people who make porn with women pouring cream over themselves didn’t decide that milk was sexy because it shares basic components with semen. Let’s think about this a different way ...

Hmmm well, milk is white and cum is kinda white. I think that’s it! Milk and cum look alike — there is a metaphorical connection between these two fluids. We’ve figured out the mystery of the milk-semen connection!

This would be different from milk fetishism — erotic pleasure from lactation, breastfeeding and suckling — because it would be more about the look of the milk on an attractive body as opposed to the act of obtaining the milk.

It’s like bukkake, just not so sticky!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Tit-Elation

I like — no wait, I love my breasts! They are round and perky and squishy and soft. They make a nice cushion when I hug people and they look great under my shirts and sweaters. I check my breasts every month to make sure that there aren’t any lumps and just to say hello.

Although my breasts don’t at this point in my life, I know that they will one day swell up and lactate to feed my baby — I mean, that’s what breasts are for, technically, right? But if my breasts are just for feeding babies, why do people who find my gender sexually attractive get so excited and sometimes obsess over them?

Also, why are my breasts relatively big and round? Do they really need to be that way to feed babies? All of our primate cousins do just fine with flat breasts — humans are the only mammal with round boobs that stick out!

Luckily, I’m not the only one thinking about these titillating questions, a few scientists have been pondering the function and evolution of breasts as well and have come up with some ideas.

Breasts can tell you a lot about the woman attached to them: if they are symmetrical, you can see that she has good genetic diversity and had little exposure to disease or malnutrition when she was growing up.
Many scientists also assert that human breasts are larger because this indicates good nutrition and fertility — in fact, they swell up even more during ovulation and pregnancy — the fat in breasts is important for lactation, which is in turn important for raising healthy babies to grow up and work and marry and carry on their genes.

This goes along with the idea that straight men find women more attractive when they have a low hip to waist ratio: that is, bigger hips to indicate good health and fertility, combined with a small waist to indicate fitness and non-pregnancy (which means she’s available for impregnating) = hotness.

So, having a nice round ass should be just as important and attractive as having nice round breasts.

This is exactly what zoologist Desmond Morris thought as he watched the girls walk by in short skirts and tight tops. Unlike our flat chested primate cousins, we walk around upright all the time and one of the most popular positions we use for sex is the missionary position (man on top), where a wonderful female ass can’t be seen or enjoyed.

It occurred to Morris that the human breast may have evolved to be bigger and rounder to remind straight men of a woman’s ass when she is seen face on and, more importantly, to make them think about the fun fertile hole nearby.

This makes sense because, back when we had even more in common with our primate cousins, buttocks would have been the main sexual focus — even more so than they are today.

So perhaps it is no coincidence that human breasts are rounded like our asses— round breasts could be an erotic substitute for the round bum that you might not be able to see and enjoy when you are having a meaningful face-to-face conversation.

But wait! Anthropologist Gillian Bently disagrees. She doesn’t think that my breasts are round because they are an erotic substitute, she says that my boobs are round so that I don’t suffocate my babies when I (one day) breast feed.

As we evolved, the human brain got bigger and the human skull had to change shape to accommodate, resulting in flatter faces. Bently’s idea is that human breasts co-evolved, becoming bigger and rounder to compensate for the infants’ flatter faces, so that they could suckle without having a flat mass of flesh covering their nose and mouth.
She suggests that any sexual interest in these fancy round breasts would have been secondary to the important fuction of not suffocating babies.

Scientist and science fiction writer David Brin, has a different idea about the co-evolution of my breasts.

He diagrees with Morris about my breasts not being an erotic substitute, because there are some other species of primate who mate face to face, and they don’t have big round fun-bags.

Brin doesn’t think I need my breasts to make straight men want to have sex with me, what I need is a way to make them want to stick around and help me (and our potential children) survive.

Brin says that during the evolution of my species, my breasts and even my hourglass figure took a back seat when it came to attractiveness; the most important thing was that women retained certain “child-like” traits: soft skin, big eyes, no beard, a high voice, a thin neck, etc.

Now, humans were already holding on to some child-like traits, this was important for having a flexible brain and personality (which are also attractive), but the traits that Brin says we human females picked up were important for not just attracting a guy, but for attracting the right kind — the kind who will protect us, bring us tasty snacks, and will help us take care of the babies.

But if things had kept going along this way, with fertile women looking so young, we would have had a big problem: How were the healthy straight men supposed to be able to tell who was old enough for sex?
Enter the bigger, rounder breasts; yes, boobs to the rescue.

Along with some other traits, like my hourglass figure, my round bazooms— even if they aren’t as big as some - give you a big, bright, flashing sign telling you that I am past puberty and physically ready to have sex and (one day) make babies.
Brin says that this is why I have boobs — so that I can have my youthful traits but still obviously display my adultness.

So let’s recap here; we’ve learned that it’s not so weird for straight men to sometimes get so excited about breasts — that’s how they know that a woman is, well, a woman and not a child. Boobs are also interesting because they can also show how healthy a woman is and how healthy she has been.
We’ve also heard two different ideas about why breasts are so nice and round: the erotic substitute theory and the anti-suffocation device theory. There surely isn’t just one reason why my breasts are they way they are; so it’s possible that, even though these three scientists kinda disagree, all of their theories, in concert, could have played a part in the evolution of my breasts.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Cumming up a little short

Every once in a while I get some really interesting questions from my readers. Here are a couple that I have received recently:

This first question was from a reader who had had a very busy evening. Just to lay it out for you, first he masturbated in the shower and shortly after met up with a female partner who began to pleasure him orally in preparation for sex. However, after two failed attempts at putting on a condom — he couldn’t maintain an erection with a rubber — they gave up and had sex without a condom.

"We had sex for a good 45 minutes or so due to my not being able to produce any cum. I did not cum at any point with her." He wondered what the chances were that there was still semen inside his penis, which could cause her to become pregnant.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite given enough information to really calculate the exact percentage chance that this gentleman had enough semen left in his penis to get his partner pregnant. However, I can say that yes, there is a chance that his partner could get pregnant from what he described.

When he masturbated to orgasm in the shower he would have ejaculated the majority of his sperm, but not 100 per cent of it — some would still have been caught up in his urethra or further back in his plumbing. Usually this isn’t a big deal as the sperm would have come out on their own eventually or would have been re-absorbed into the body over time. But in this case, he ended up having sex pretty soon after ejaculating.

It’s entirely possible that some of the left-over sperm ended up in his partner’s mouth when she was giving him head, but there is still a chance that some was left to make it into her vagina with his pre-cum when they started having sex.  So it’s a small chance, but still a chance.

This couple’s first mistake was giving up on using a condom; condoms are 98 per cent effective at preventing pregnancy and around 70-85 per cent effective at preventing sexually transmitted infections, when used correctly.

This couple’s second mistake was not having a secondary form of birth control as a back-up for when they couldn’t get a condom on and/or in case the condom had broken.

A good back-up would be something like her being on the pill, wearing an IUD, using a diaphragm or using a female condom. At the very least they could have liberally applied some spermicidal gel or foam, this is less effective than condoms and can cause irritation, but is more effective than nothing. However, none of these methods, except the female condom, would have protected them from STI’s.

Another thing: it’s not uncommon for some guys to have trouble staying hard when they try to get a condom on, but it just takes practise and/or a little extra effort to get rid of this problem.

Try putting a condom on by yourself; make sure that you use the proper sized condom. Then try using a condom when you’re masturbating. Jerking off while you wear it will help you get used to wearing a condom and, who knows, maybe you’ll really like the experience. Try, in the heat of the moment, having your partner put the condom on you with her mouth, that way you don’t really have to stop the fun to put it on.

This next question is from a woman who used to masturbate when she was younger but stopped and now wants to start up again. "I would love to reach climax; I just really don’t want to break my hymen, how do I achieve this?"

Firstly, there are some things everyone should know about hymens. If you’re worrying about preserving your hymen to prove your virginity, don’t bother: you might not even have one, it might have been "broken" already from non-sexual activities, or it might not even “break” when you do have sex for the first time. A hymen isn’t how someone is going to be able to tell that you are a virgin.

Hymens are a bit of a medical mystery; not all women are born with a hymen, and between the time that a girl is old enough for school and until she reaches puberty, her hymen will be quite thin and delicate. This is because she is not producing as much estrogen. At this time it is thought to be possible for the hymen to be broken by something as simple as horseback riding, gymnastics or strenuous exercise.

After puberty the hymen, if present, thickens and changes shape. Instead of covering the whole entrance, it now forms a little crescent near the bottom that is pretty much indistinguishable from the other folds in a vagina. A woman’s hymen is pretty out of the way; this is why a normal hymen isn’t damaged by using tampons — in fact, for many women, even having sex doesn’t disturb their hymen at all!

Since this reader is well past puberty, her hymen (if she has one) should be thick and able to handle masturbation just fine — so long as she isn’t planning on shoving gigantic dildos or big zucchinis inside herself.

As for actually how to bring oneself to climax, well that’s a little more complicated and something that one has to explore on their own. Every woman is built differently and is going to respond to different types of stimulation.

For many, the most sure-fire way to climax involves clitoral, not vaginal, stimulation. There are many ways to play with a clit: rub it through the hood covering it, lick your fingers or use vaginal juices to lubricate your finger while you rub it or lay on your stomach and press your palm or the heel of your hand against your clit. You could even try rubbing it on things.

There’s no "best way" or “most appropriate way” when it comes to masturbation, there is only the way that works best for you.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Cock is always hotter with a little heavy metal

It’s practically a tradition for university students to celebrate their new-found independence by getting a tattoo or piercing, but instead of getting a boring old navel or ear piercing, you could consider doing something a little more exciting: piercing your naughty bits!

Genital piercing is practised all over the world and some forms have been around for centuries; some come from traditional tribal initiation rites in the days before metal needles, where sharp bamboo was used instead. Today you can safely get almost any type of genital piercing you might want, with reputable body piercers using sterile, super-sharp needles. The only caveat is that you might have to wait a few months before you can have sex again.

But pish tosh, what’s a few months of waiting compared to years of pleasure and the looks on your friends’ and dates’ faces when you tell them about and/or show them your new piercing?

Convinced? Now we just have to figure out which piercing is right for you. There are many of different kinds (especially if you happen to have a penis); some piercings are more painful, some heal faster and some are said to be more pleasurable for a partner.

The "Prince Albert" is supposed to have gotten its name from Queen Victoria’s partner, who was rumoured to have had this piercing as part of a fashion trend of the time. Allegedly, many aristocratic men in the 18th century were getting this piercing done so that they could hook their penis to one side, to prevent it from causing an unsightly bulge in their tight pants — which were also fashionable at the time.

The Prince Albert piercing is done by making a hole and threading a ring or barbell through the urethra to the underside of the penis. A hole is made in the urethra from near the fraenulum, the small bridge of skin at the edge of the glans (the "head"). An open ring is passed through the “eye” of the urethra at the tip of the penis and comes out this hole. This piercing is supposed to provide greater stimulation for the person wearing it during sex, but you may also have to deal with fluids dribbling out of the piercing while you urinate.

If making a new exit for your urethra sounds a little too extreme for you, there’s always the frenulum piercing. This is another very popular male piercing. The frenulum is the small ridge of flesh joining the foreskin to the glans of the penis, often this ridge remains after circumcision. This is probably the safest and easiest genital piercing a man can get because it’s external and heals very quickly. A frenulum piercing is meant to be pleasurable for both the bearer and anyone he has sex with, or it can also be incorporated into chastity devices.

If you are uncircumcised, you could get your foreskin pierced. This type of piercing is said to be at least as ancient as the tradition of circumcision; it is thought to have been common among the Ancient Greeks. Again, today this piercing is popular because it is supposed to enhance pleasure for both partners during sex.

Did the Prince Albert sound too tame for you? Well there are other piercings that involve your glans. Piercing the glans of the penis for the insertion of jewellery has been popular since antiquity; it’s even mentioned in the Kama Sutra (700 CE).

The palang or ampallang is a glans piercing that passes horizontally through, or above, the urethra. Piercing the glans horizontally above the urethra was common practice for adults among many Polynesian tribes and was greatly prized by the wives of the men who had it done. As you may have guessed, this piercing is meant to provide extra pleasure for the male’s partner during sex, but it can be extremely pleasurable for the bearer as well.

Still need to kick it up another notch? The apadravya piercing is the glans piercing mentioned in the Kama Sutra and it is done vertically through the glans; it does not have to pass through the urethra, but it usually does. This is one of the most intense — read: painful — piercings that you can get, but the passage in the Kama Sutra claims that "true" sexual pleasure cannot be reached without it. It certainly should provide pleasure for a female partner during vaginal sex; many of the nerves in a vagina, like at the G-spot, are located at the top/roof and this piercing can provide a little extra stimulation to this area.

Feeling left out because you don’t have a penis? No worries ladies, there are lots of things you can pierce too! Getting your inner and/or outer labia pierced is similar to getting your ears pierced (except lower) and could be a "new" way for you to decorate and get to know your vagina.

The clitoris itself can be pierced, but this is less common because a clitoris has to be fairly large and developed for it to be pierced. It’s much more popular and much less dangerous for the clitoral hood to be pierced.

Even though it is largely responsible for the female orgasm, the little clitoris is often neglected during sex and sexual play; it hides, forgotten, under its hood, but a clitoral hood piercing can bring an end to this neglect, and can be intensely pleasurable for the wearer. The hood can be pierced either horizontally or vertically — vertical is most common — with a ring, a J-bar or a barbell; the inside ball of a barbell should be placed directly over the clitoris to create the extra stimulation it is famous for.

It’s your choice whether you want to get a piercing or not, but if you decide that this is something you’d like to try, make sure you are aware of the risks, choose a reputable piercing place with experienced staff and take care of your piercing so it can heal properly and won’t catch on your clothing or tear your skin. Your genitals are sensitive and full of nerves; with every piercing through erectile tissue — like in a penis or clitoris — you run the risk of hitting these important nerves and damaging your sexual function permanently. Still, even with the slight danger, maybe you are one of the many people who feel that it’s worth the risk.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Back!!!

My column is back in the paper for another term,
so you can expect to find a new* post here every week once more!

*[new as in what I had printed in the paper]

Hurray!!!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Gifts for Those "Hard" to Buy For

Picture this: it’s Christmas morning and your family is gathered around your Christmas tree (or menorah, or Kinara, or the table for Eid). Your family gleefully begins unwrapping presents — but not you — no, you’re waiting for them to open the gifts that you picked out for them.

First, your younger brother, the fastest to unwrap his gifts, he jumps for joy when he sees the porn DVDs that you got him. Then you spot your sister, at first she looks confused, but then holds up her waterproof vibrating bullet with an exuberant smile of gratitude. Next it’s your father, who squeals with delight as he discovers the shiny black prostate massager you picked out for him. And finally you see your mother share a look of excitement with your father as she shows him your gift to her, a rabbit vibrator with a strap-on harness.

Sex toys can make great holiday gifts. They are fun, functional, personal and they are truly a gift that keeps on giving — at least until the motor breaks down.

However, I understand that as a student on a budget, sometimes it’s hard for you to figure out which toys are the best value for your hard earned money. That is why I hit our local Stag Shop to check out what toys will give you the best "bang" for your buck.

There are a lot of options out there to fulfill your sex toy needs: in fact, there are so many that sometimes things can get a little confusing. Here's where I come in.

Chosing a vibe can be really confusing when you don't know what they do:
Bullet vibes and mini vibes have virtually the same purpose; they are usually used for clitoral stimulation and sometimes for nipple or anal stimulation. They are both easy to manipulate and come in both the waterproof and non-waterproofed varieties. However, a bullet can be harder to hold because it’s rounded and the whole thing vibrates, whereas a mini vibe has a grip. A bullet is designed for insertions, or dipping, while mini vibes are not always meant for that. On the other hand, there’s no real difference if it’s only going to be used as a clit stimulator. When it comes to choosing between a mini vibe, like the Pocket Rocket and a bullet vibe, you have to think about what you or the person you’re buying for would prefer.

A standard vibrator is larger and is meant for some insertion, along with external stimulation. And while hard plastic vibrators are usually cheaper, the more expensive silicone vibrators are generally more comfortable to use. Silicone toys are also usually hypoallergenic, this could be the perfect gift idea for your favourite latex-allergic roommate.

Rabbit vibes are expensive. In case you’ve never heard of them, these vibrators are called "rabbit" because they consist of a longer phallic shaft, with a small clit stimulator — which is often shaped like a rabbit — mounted near the base. Generally the shaft vibrates and rotates, while the clit stimulator vibrates. Things get expensive when the toy includes things like rotating beads in the shaft, bi-directional rotation of the shaft and multi-speed vibrations. While a rabbit vibe might be out of your price range this year, it’s something to keep in mind for that special someone someday.

Cock rings can make excellent stocking stuffers; they are small, not too expensive and come in a variety of materials and styles. However, for a beginner, I suggest a softer ring, like the silicone ring mentioned in my table. Using a softer ring will still be stimulating, but there is less risk of compression injuries and it’s easier to find the perfect fit.

Buying a masturbator for your little brother, might seem a little weird at first, but think about it: you’re providing him with hand-held safe sex — minus the relationship. Masturbators are pretty simple — the price generally has to do with the material and the detail. You'll want to look for one made with U3, a good quality sex toy material that is super soft and smooshy.

Perhaps an anal stimulator isn’t something you would want to give to everyone on your holiday shopping list, but it’s definitely something to keep in mind. The most important thing when shopping for an anal toy is to get something with a flared base or something else that will ensure that your favourite aunt doesn’t lose her new butt plug inside of her. When you're picking out anal beads, get ones that have a big ring at the end that one can use to help pull the beads out. The Aneros is a more expensive toy, but it is an excellent male prostate massager.

Whether you’re looking for the perfect gift for a lover, a roommate, a favourite sibling or just a little something for yourself, sex toys can make a great "I didn’t know what to get you" gift, or a “hey, let’s have sex” gift, or even a “here’s something to help you chill out” gift. Just picture the happy look on your Secret Santa’s face when they unwrap the beautiful anal beads that you picked out just for them.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Protect Yourself From Bad Information

I’m a sceptical person. I’d just like to lay that out for you right now, I’m sceptical and I know it. I’m especially sceptical when someone is trying to sell me something. As you read below, I recently covered a sex toy workshop led by a sales rep from Fantasia. I’m not saying that it wasn’t a fun time and I’m not saying that it wasn't a great idea from the Womyn’s Center – it was a fun idea for sexual awareness and fundraising.

And it’s not like the sale’s rep could have known that her audience wasn’t completely made up of naïve university students; but, as a rep for a company that touts itself as a provider of sex education for women since 1980, she needs to get her facts straight before she allows the infection of bad sex information to spread any further.

Think of this column as a bit of an inoculation.

Firstly, Anal Sex: you may have read my article on anal sex at the beginning of this semester, but in case you don’t remember it very well, here is a refresher:

Anal penetration is tricky. You have to be careful when engaging in anal play, because it’s very easy to hurt yourself. In fact, if it hurts, you need to STOP, because you are doing something wrong.

So, when someone suggests that women (or men) should use a numbing gel on their anus to ease anal sex, some of us have trouble restraining ourselves from jumping up in the middle of the multipurpose room and shouting “Gah! No!”

The wall of the anus has a different bend than the vagina and just isn’t as durable. If you press too hard in the wrong direction you risk tearing the wall of the anus. And if your anus wall has been numbed too much, how are you going to know that there is a problem?

Sometimes anal sex can hurt because you aren’t relaxed enough. As Paul Joannides mentions in his book, The Guide to Getting it On, your bum has two sets of sphincter muscles that relax and tighten, depending on whether you are trying to go to the bathroom or hold it in. One set of these muscles you can control and the other you can’t.

So, to enjoy comfortable anal penetration, you first need to train these muscles to relax when you want to insert something. This involves a lot of trust, relaxation, practice, and lube – trying to numb the area might do something to help relax you, since you won’t be so scared, but it won’t force the muscles to relax. You could end hurting these muscles if you catch them by surprise or try to rush things – just because you can’t feel them clenching, doesn’t mean that they aren’t still there.

Another reason why anal sex might be painful is because you aren’t using enough lube. I don’t want to sound too Sue Johnanson here by shouting “MORE LUBE” at the top of my lungs, but seriously folks, you can’t have anal sex without lube – if it hurts, most likely it’s because you aren’t using enough. Although the numbing gel will technically help lubricate your anus, you’re better of grabbing a nice big bottle of KY.

You should stop and figure out why anal penetration is hurting you before you continue; not just numb everything with whatever gel someone is trying to sell you. Remember: Stop, Think, then Go.

I also want to mention how irresponsible I feel it is for companies to promise orgasms to every woman, so long as they buy the particular product, or combination of products that the company is offering. For example, the g-spot kit, which includes a finger mounted stimulator and some magical g-spot lotion that will supposedly give you not only a g-spot orgasm but, according to this sale rep, will make you ejaculate. Remember when I said I was a sceptical person?

This is quite a hefty claim, considering that not every woman can ejaculate, not every woman enjoys g-spot stimulation, and that there is mounting evidence suggesting that not every woman has a g-spot!
But, perhaps this is a topic for another day.

Shay Out

Friday, November 24, 2006

Sex Toy Workshop on Campus a Success

If you happened to walk past the Multipurpose Room on the evening of November 21, you may have been treated to the sounds of little motors grinding, relaxed laughter and strange, almost sexual shouting.

As part of Love Your Body Week, the Womyn’s Centre put on a Fantasia party in an effort to raise awareness about sexual health. Positive attitudes about sexuality are a big part of loving your body and so the organizers felt that a sex toy workshop seemed fitting.

In addition, 10 per cent of the profits from this event went to support a local women’s shelter. Not only did this event promote sexual health for students but it also helped to bring a measure of mental and physical health to women in our community.

Fantasia is a sex toy distributor whose agents organize home parties to sell sex toys — similar to the Tupperware parties that your mom or grandmother used to have. But instead of discovering new ways to store your leftovers, attendees learn about new ways to orgasm using a variety of sex products.

Sales consultant Charlotte Loke quickly put the room of 50 or more students at ease with her casual style and imitations of what a properly stimulated clitoris might sound like. I was very impressed with the large group of women ( and the eight men), often at events like this people are uncomfortable, but I did not hear any nervous giggles. Everyone seemed to be listening intently to Loke’s enthusiastic sales pitch and laughing at all of her jokes about neglected clitorises and products that would provide "a party in your panties."

Loke placed an emphasis on women and their bodies, rather than on couples or "man-pleasing," which was refreshing. She talked about the importance of foreplay for female arousal — how it prepares the vagina for pleasurable, non-painful sex — and offered many products that would help encourage blood flow to important areas, like the clitoris.

Not only did Loke carefully go over all kinds of ways that some toys could be used to achieve orgasm — like the Dolfinger, a jelly finger-mounted vibrator, which can be mounted on fingers, a penis or even another toy — but she also presented us with some unusual uses for some sex toys. For example, even I never thought of using a rabbit vibrator as a hand massager to relieve writer’s cramp!

Loke emphasized that women can’t just wait around for someone to give them an orgasm, like some sort of party favour; they have to go out and get one on their own. And knowing how to give yourself an orgasm makes it easier for you to teach someone else how to give you one too.

This ties in very well with the theme of Love Your Body Week — loving yourself, literally, is very important for your physical, mental, and sexual health.

[But wait! That not all, don't forget to read my other post about this event!]

Monday, November 20, 2006

From couch groping to hot sex in the bedroom

So you’ve been dating for a while and things seem to be going really well. Now comes one of the trickiest parts of the relationship: making "The Move." That is, making the move towards the bedroom for the first time you have sex with a new partner.

Whether you’re a virgin or not, making "The Move" for the first time with someone can seem like a huge deal, . That's why both men and women often try to plan out “The Move” in meticulous detail, but sometimes all that worrying and planning can just end up making it that much more difficult and awkward.

When you know that you are both ready and that you both want to take your relationship further, it’s best to just let things take their natural course. You certainly don’t want to rush into things too soon.

I know it seems weird for your sex columnist to say something like that, but it’s true: when it’s the right time you both should know it and you won’t have to think about "The Move" — it will just happen.

If you’re obsessing over planning how, when and where to make "The Move," then you might not be ready. It might be a better idea to take things more slowly; you’ll want to savour each moment during each sexual and not-so-sexual experience with your partner.

When I was a young teen my dad explained to me that romantic relationships go through a series of stages: the holding hands stage, the kissing stage, the making out stage, the heavy petting stage, the sex stage, and so on

After that, he told me, there aren’t many more steps, so it's more important to make sure that you make the most of each step that you do take, instead of trying to hurry right to the next one.

But I’m sure you don’t really need my "sex-ed" type lecture.

What you’re looking for are tips for knowing when it’s time to make "The Move" and possibly how to do it.

For most people, typically the best approach with a new partner is not to say something like "so, after this let’s go upstairs for sex, okay?" At least, not until you are actually having sex together regularly and you know that they’ll find that kind of thing cute.

I’m a big fan of communication in relationships because it clears up assumptions and expectations and keeps us from screwing things up too badly.

So, you might want to simply ask your partner if they are ready to get sexually intimate with you.

Ask them "Do you feel ready to have sex with me?" “Should we have sex tonight?” “How would you feel about me fucking your brains out for the next three hours?” — something like that. Hopefully they will give you an honest answer and you can progress from there.

But there are other subtle and not so subtle ways to let a new partner know that you want to take it from making out on the couch to full-on sex in the bedroom.

Try some touching, try some unbuttoning, try some whispers "Oh, you look so hot tonight," “Oh I’m so excited,” try some slipping of hands into undergarments — pretty much try things to let your partner know how interested in sex you are and monitor their responses.

I would like to emphasize here that monitoring your partner’s responses is key. Recognising and being sensitive to when they aren’t interested or ready for the next level can make all the difference between keeping a relationship going or being charged with sexual assault.

You’re just trying to let your partner know that you’re ready, not trying to force them into anything they aren’t ready for.

If your partner pushes your hand away as you slide it up her skirt or down his pants, then they are probably not ready. If they grab your hand and guide it further towards whatever you were groping for, then they might be interested and you should try more.

But remember that "no" still means “no,” no matter how far your partner lets you take things before they say it. And keep in mind that if things do go well you may just flow smoothly into sex right there on the couch, so make sure you have condoms ready!

Or, if you really had your heart set on taking it to the bedroom, one of the best times to suggest it is when you are both trying not to fall off the couch as your making out gets more physical.

Even if your partner isn’t ready that night, all is not lost. If they are a healthy individual, they will be ready at some point — you just have to be patient. Who knows, maybe they are just waiting demurely for you to ask and if you’re lucky, they might even make "The Move" for you.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Interview with Seka, a Porn Legend

Seka is a retired now, but in her prime she was a very active and very well known porn star. She first started here career in 1978 at age 24. Between 1978 and 1993 she appeared in 184 films and even directed two! She did everything from sex with other women, anal sex, masturbating/sex with toys, and even double penetration. She's arguably the most famous porn star of the 80's.

During her prime her stats were:

Measurements: 39-23-34
Height: 5 ft 8 in (1.73 m)
Weight: 118 lb (54 kg)
Hair color: Platinum blonde (dyed)
Birthdate: April 15, 1954
Orientation: Bisexual

Although she's retired, Seka still keeps herself very busy with public appearances, running her fan club and website, etc. I was lucky enough to catch her in her booth at The Everything to Do With Sex Show in Toronto for a brief interview:

Me: I know you're really busy here, so lets jump right into the questions. You went far in the porn industry without getting a boob job, so what are your feelings about fake breasts?.

Seka: I feel that getting a boob job is fine, it's a good self-esteem boost for women who might need it. However, if you have it done for your career you won't find it as fulfilling.

Me: When did you get yours done and why?

Seka: I didn't get my breasts done until later in my career, when I was getting old, to keep them from drooping. *wink*

Me: What are your thoughts on condom use in pornography?

Seka: I think that condoms are extremely important for the safety of the actors! One of the reasons why I stopped performing was because the studios were not demanding condom use in their films and weren't demanding that their actors all be tested. I liked waking up alive, so I quit.

Me: I know that one of the many reasons you were popular is because you frequently shaved off your pubic hair. You were doing it well before it was popular in the states, so what made you decide to start?

Seka: *laughing* A director just asked me to shave for his film, I said "sure" and never looked back.

Me: You're still making a good living off of films and pictures that were done many years ago. How do you feel about having achieved this sort of immortality through the media?

Seka: I feel that it's quite an honour.

Me: What advice would you give to a young woman just getting into the porn industry?

Seka: My first piece of advice is to demand testing and demand condoms. And get an education for afterwards - you can't make a living in front of the camera forever in this business.

Me: Well, that's it. Thank you so much for your time Seka.

Seka: You're welcome!

Seka then left me to get back to her lineup of fans, but not before making sure that I got an autographed photo of her (pictured above). ^_^

Monday, November 13, 2006

Home-Made Sex Toys

We’re over half-way through the semester now. This means that a lot of you, especially those of you who are away from lovers, are probably starting to get a little antsy by now.

Hey, it’s nothing to be ashamed about — you’re all adults. Adults who have needs and desires, not to mention all the tension and stress from your busy schedules and course work that needs to be relieved somehow.

It’s no wonder that you start eyeing your roommate’s new vibrating toothbrush when you get up in the middle of the night to take a short break from working on that assignment.

You have needs that sometimes your hand just can’t fulfill and we all know that the average high-quality sex toy doesn’t always fit into a starving student’s budget.

Heck, a rabbit vibrator like the one from Sex and the City can cost you anywhere from $50 to $160!

But not to worry, dear reader, your very own sex columnist is on the case! I have developed a fabulous list of great ways that you can satisfy those carnal urges using everyday items from your very own home:

For myreaders with a penis, you could try slipping a condom into an empty toilet paper tube or into half of a paper towel tube. Then fold the open end of the condom open over one end of the tube and hold it down with your hand. Lube up, slide in and pump.

You can get free condoms from Health Services and everyone has empty toilet paper tubes, so this is a pretty cheap method.

You could also try this: squirt a bunch of lube into a plastic bag and then smush it between your couch cushions or between your mattress and your box-spring. The tricky part here will be not getting any of the lube on the furniture. Once you have the lube baggy in position, just insert and "go to town."

What about grabbing a couple of small, clean sponges, wet them with warm water, squeeze them out and line them up in a plastic cup. Squirt in some lube, rub some lube on yourself and... well, you know the rest.

Or how about this: warm a cantaloupe or some other small melon on the counter in the sunshine or carefully in the microwave. Cut a hole around the same diameter as your penis on one side and scoop out a little of the melon goo, then cut a smaller hole on the opposite side of the first hole.

Lube up, insert penis and experiment with covering and uncovering the smaller hole as you stroke in and out.

Or you could grab that vibrating toothbrush and try rubbing the back of it — the non-bristled side — below the head of your penis.

Don't have a penis? No problem! I’ve got inexpensive tips for you too.

The next time you’re at the grocery store, buy yourself a nice firm fruit or veggie: an unripe banana, a cucumber, a zucchini, etc. When you get home, decide if you want to use it warm or cold.

Some people like the coldness of a previously refrigerated cucumber, while others prefer to warm theirs up for a few seconds in the microwave. Then slip it into a condom, tie off the end, insert and enjoy.

The benefit of using food items like these is that you can peel and eat them afterwards — it’s very environmentally friendly!

Of course, if you find the idea of playing with your food unappetising, you could try using other items from around your house.

Things like thick highlighters, the handle of a hairbrush, your toothbrush carrying case, the handle of your squash raquet, etc, could be the just thing to help you through a nice refreshing study break. Just avoid using items that are sharp, contain harmful chemicals (like C batteries) or are breakable (like a perfume bottle). And when in doubt, use a condom to make sure that everything is nice and clean when you use it.

For a variation on the above, try cutting your cucumber in half and hollowing it out a bit or use your empty toothbrush holder — put an electric toothbrush in the open end and use this contraption as if it were a regular vibrator.

Whatever your pleasure, remember to wash anything thoroughly before you insert!

If you’re just looking for some external stimulation, forget about using the other props and just rub the back of the vibrating toothbrush on your clit.

If you don’t have a vibrating toothbrush you could try using something else, like a small container to massage your vulva. Or you could try using a towel, sheet, or blanket — hold one end of the blanket between your feet and the other in your hands. Then rock your pelvis to rub your vulva on the fabric — instant and inexpensive pleasure.

Hopefully these tips will help to get you through the rest of this semester. Though, if you want to stay on good terms with your roommate, it might be a good idea to invest in your own vibrating toothbrush — or at least don’t tell them what their toothbrush gets up to in the middle of the night. ^_~

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Interview with Rubberella

I had a chance to interview Rubberella near the dungeon area of the Everything to Do with Sex show a couple of weeks ago.

The dungeon area of the sex show was not very big; it was off to the side and mostly curtained off in black with a sign informing us that photography was prohibited in this area.

Inside, we saw a variety of floggers, ropes and other bondage equipment. We even caught a glimpse of a woman being tied up in an elaborate rope corset

I first spotted Rubberella on The Dungeon Stage (where photography was permitted with permission) giving a demonstration about the joys of wearing latex.

Rubberella is a fetish model who enjoys wearing latex outfits, like her cat-suit and torpedo boob suit. She describes her sexy skin-tight costumes as "a bit Sci-Fi and a bit sexual". And not only does she wear latex costumes, but she also has "regular-looking" clothes made out of latex, like the one she was wearing to The Sex show.

To get into her tight latex outfits, Rubberella has to lube up her body with water or silicone based lubricant and then rubs another type of coating on the outside to keep her latex looking shiny and to keep it from sticking.

Stats:
Birthdate: 7-1-1970
Eye color: Blue
Shoe Size:9.5
Piercing: nose, upper gum, belly button and genitals
Height: 5 feet 10 inches
Weight: 130
Measurements: 34 26 36 inches

Because her site has some pretty intense photos, Rubberella was actually the person I was most nervous about interviewing that day. I decided to volunteer to try on a pair of latex gloves during her latex demonstration (Latex: Beyond The Condom), to get to know her a bit casually before I tried to interview her and so that I could see how it feels to wear a little latex.

After dutifully rubbing the lube all over my hands and slipping on the gloves I could totally understand why Rubberella loves wearing latex so much -— it felt really slippery and sexy and fun!

Having a tiny taste of her lifestyle made me feel much more ready to meet her at her booth for an interview.

Me: What is it like wearing full latex outfits all day?

Rubberella: It's very sensual; the latex is tight and I love how it feels squeezing my body. I also find that the latex heightens sensations, so rubbing even just your hands together when you are wearing latex gloves feels much sexier than without. But it is also very hot wearing whole outfits made out of latex; I'm pretty much sweating lightly the whole time.

[At this point she rolled up her sleeve to show me, and I could see the sheen of sweat on her forearm.]

Me: What do you look forward to after doing a long photo-shoot or a show like this?

Rubberella: (Laughs) A nice long, hot bath.

Me: You wear a lot of different costumes for your photo-shoots, which one is your favourite?

Rubberella: My torpedo boob costume; I use condoms inflated with air to create incredibly huge breasts to wear under the bodysuit. It's part of that character and makes me feel even more like a super-heroine. It is a very fun costume to wear!

Me: Do you find that you bump into a lot of things when you wear that costume?

Rubberella: Yes! It's hard to get used to suddenly have gigantic breasts, so I do sometimes bump into things when I am backstage.

Me: Would you consider yourself a Domme or a Switch?

Rubberella: A switch.

Me: Who make better "victims", men or women?

Rubberella: I prefer women because we seem to enjoy latex play more; women are more sensual. I also prefer to use women models in my photo-shoots because I am more attracted to women.

Me: You have tattoos of two angels on your back, do these mean anything special for you?

Rubberella: I got those two after going through a difficult time in my life - they represent guardian angels who take care of me.

Me: How did you first get into experimenting with breath play?

Rubberella: It was introduced to me by other Doms. I was attracted to breath play because of the trust required by the sub - it takes a lot to trust someone enough to let them control your breathing and that trust is very sexy to me.

Me: Back to the latex - How often do you find yourself wearing it?

Rubberella: When I first got into it, I used to wear at least one piece of latex at all times, even if it was just a latex bra or panties under my clothes. But now that I am wearing it all the time for work, I tend not to wear it as often during my "off hours".

Me: That's all the questions I have, thank you very much for your time.

Rubberella: You're very welcome!

Although she was the person I was most nervous about interviewing before I got to The Sex Show, Rubberella turned out to be my favourite interview of the day! She was very nice and seemed like a very cool and intelligent person. Thank you again to "Rubberella" for taking to time to give me such a great interview and for posing for pictures with me.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Sugasm #53

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hair Expectations Raise Prickly Questions

Pubic hair grooming seems to be quite a tricky issue for a lot of people. Last semester I gave you some tips for grooming your groin and since then I’ve received many questions about grooming etiquette.

One reader wondered how to broach the subject of shaving with their partner of about one year, who used to practice shaving but now lets things grow wild. This is a tricky situation indeed — depending on your partner and your relationship.

For some couples, it isn’t a problem if one partner wants to try something new or wants their partner to do something different; they can ask without worry because they know that their partner will not be offended.

But it sounds like this reader might be worried about his partner’s ability to handle (or perhaps even recognize) constructive criticism or suggestions about their appearance.

Some of us can get a little sensitive about our appearance — as if our partner asking for a change means that there is something wrong with us or that we have failed in some way. Of course, this is silly.

A good way to bring up this topic is delicately. You need to let your partner know that you still think they are sexy but that you wish they’d start shaving/waxing again because it was a nice treat.

Contrary to what some people might say, I don’t think it's wrong to want them to groom again. It’s just pubic hair — people don’t usually flip out if you tell them that you liked how their hair was cut last year or that you think they would look better with longer or shorter hair. In fact, it’s not that different from asking your girlfriend if she would start wearing lacy lingerie more often.

There are a few different ways to approach this issue with a partner:

“Hunny, how come you don’t trim your fur anymore? I really liked how it looked — it was really hot!”

You could also try: “Hey sweetie, look at this picture I found online/in my e-mail from [insert crazy friend’s name here].” Yours looked like this when we first started dating — man, that was so awesome!” This is known as the “hint, hint” approach.

Another approach could be to groom yourself — your partner might notice the change and be inspired to follow your example or they might ask you about it and you can respond with, “I was thinking about how much I liked it when you used to shave/wax and decided to do a little grooming myself for you.”

You could even give your partner a gift certificate for a bikini or Brazilian wax as a gift.

It’s not wrong to ask your partner to try something different or to bring back an old favourite — but it wouldn’t be right to pressure them or make them feel guilty.

Maybe they’ve started taking you for granted and being reminded about how hot you think they look a certain way might remind them of how hot you both are for each other.

Some people have equated pubic grooming (shaving, waxing, etc) to labial and other genital cosmetic surgery, but that’s like equating a new haircut with a facelift or nose job! It’s just hair — being two or three feet lower on your body shouldn’t make it taboo.

Another nice thing about it just being hair is that it grows back. You can trim or wax or shave it any way you like and when it grows back you can try something different or let it go wild.

But if you are going to let it go wild, please keep in mind a lover who might want to go down on you without having to bring along a comb.

Another reader wrote in with a question about new partners' expectations for grooming; are they going to expect pornstar-bare or is a nice trim good enough?

Personally, I think that trimming or shaving one’s pubic hair should be about personal comfort. But when you’re looking around for examples of what other people do and what potential lovers might expect, I can see how things can get a little hairy.

In mainstream porn, it’s true that the majority of women seem to be either totally shaved or only have a tiny landing strip, but porn stars keep themselves groomed like this for two main reasons.

One reason is that they are being paid to have sex and the people paying them to have sex want to be able to see everything. Hair is removed so that the viewer can see exactly what’s going on, which is sometimes just a lot of red bumps from ingrown hairs.

The other reason is that the makers of porn are trying to cater to what they think the average viewer wants and apparently they think that the average viewer wants to see their porn people clean-shaven.

Which now raises the question, if these “average viewers” do want this, how many now only want it because that’s what they’ve always seen in porn? And this leads into my reader's question — if your future lover has been watching a lot of porn, are they going to be expecting you to be clean shaven as well?

But you know what; I suspect not, they are just going to be happy to be allowed to see that part of you. A new lover certainly won't be showing you to the door just because you don't have the right haircut in your pants - but it is a good idea to keep things neat so that they do let you through that door again.

Trimming will be just fine for keeping things looking neat and for making sure that you don’t have any hair getting in the way of your activities when you do reach the right time for your first serious sexual encounter.

Shaving might be something you decide to do once in a while as a treat or it might be something that you later decide to do regularly — but there’s no need to worry that someone is going to be disappointed when they get in your pants, because they certainly won’t be, no matter what your hairstyle is.