Hair Expectations Raise Prickly Questions

Pubic hair grooming seems to be quite a tricky issue for a lot of people. Last semester I gave you some tips for grooming your groin and since then I’ve received many questions about grooming etiquette.

One reader wondered how to broach the subject of shaving with their partner of about one year, who used to practice shaving but now lets things grow wild. This is a tricky situation indeed — depending on your partner and your relationship.

For some couples, it isn’t a problem if one partner wants to try something new or wants their partner to do something different; they can ask without worry because they know that their partner will not be offended.

But it sounds like this reader might be worried about his partner’s ability to handle (or perhaps even recognize) constructive criticism or suggestions about their appearance.

Some of us can get a little sensitive about our appearance — as if our partner asking for a change means that there is something wrong with us or that we have failed in some way. Of course, this is silly.

A good way to bring up this topic is delicately. You need to let your partner know that you still think they are sexy but that you wish they’d start shaving/waxing again because it was a nice treat.

Contrary to what some people might say, I don’t think it's wrong to want them to groom again. It’s just pubic hair — people don’t usually flip out if you tell them that you liked how their hair was cut last year or that you think they would look better with longer or shorter hair. In fact, it’s not that different from asking your girlfriend if she would start wearing lacy lingerie more often.

There are a few different ways to approach this issue with a partner:

“Hunny, how come you don’t trim your fur anymore? I really liked how it looked — it was really hot!”

You could also try: “Hey sweetie, look at this picture I found online/in my e-mail from [insert crazy friend’s name here].” Yours looked like this when we first started dating — man, that was so awesome!” This is known as the “hint, hint” approach.

Another approach could be to groom yourself — your partner might notice the change and be inspired to follow your example or they might ask you about it and you can respond with, “I was thinking about how much I liked it when you used to shave/wax and decided to do a little grooming myself for you.”

You could even give your partner a gift certificate for a bikini or Brazilian wax as a gift.

It’s not wrong to ask your partner to try something different or to bring back an old favourite — but it wouldn’t be right to pressure them or make them feel guilty.

Maybe they’ve started taking you for granted and being reminded about how hot you think they look a certain way might remind them of how hot you both are for each other.

Some people have equated pubic grooming (shaving, waxing, etc) to labial and other genital cosmetic surgery, but that’s like equating a new haircut with a facelift or nose job! It’s just hair — being two or three feet lower on your body shouldn’t make it taboo.

Another nice thing about it just being hair is that it grows back. You can trim or wax or shave it any way you like and when it grows back you can try something different or let it go wild.

But if you are going to let it go wild, please keep in mind a lover who might want to go down on you without having to bring along a comb.

Another reader wrote in with a question about new partners' expectations for grooming; are they going to expect pornstar-bare or is a nice trim good enough?

Personally, I think that trimming or shaving one’s pubic hair should be about personal comfort. But when you’re looking around for examples of what other people do and what potential lovers might expect, I can see how things can get a little hairy.

In mainstream porn, it’s true that the majority of women seem to be either totally shaved or only have a tiny landing strip, but porn stars keep themselves groomed like this for two main reasons.

One reason is that they are being paid to have sex and the people paying them to have sex want to be able to see everything. Hair is removed so that the viewer can see exactly what’s going on, which is sometimes just a lot of red bumps from ingrown hairs.

The other reason is that the makers of porn are trying to cater to what they think the average viewer wants and apparently they think that the average viewer wants to see their porn people clean-shaven.

Which now raises the question, if these “average viewers” do want this, how many now only want it because that’s what they’ve always seen in porn? And this leads into my reader's question — if your future lover has been watching a lot of porn, are they going to be expecting you to be clean shaven as well?

But you know what; I suspect not, they are just going to be happy to be allowed to see that part of you. A new lover certainly won't be showing you to the door just because you don't have the right haircut in your pants - but it is a good idea to keep things neat so that they do let you through that door again.

Trimming will be just fine for keeping things looking neat and for making sure that you don’t have any hair getting in the way of your activities when you do reach the right time for your first serious sexual encounter.

Shaving might be something you decide to do once in a while as a treat or it might be something that you later decide to do regularly — but there’s no need to worry that someone is going to be disappointed when they get in your pants, because they certainly won’t be, no matter what your hairstyle is.