Tit-Elation

I like — no wait, I love my breasts! They are round and perky and squishy and soft. They make a nice cushion when I hug people and they look great under my shirts and sweaters. I check my breasts every month to make sure that there aren’t any lumps and just to say hello.

Although my breasts don’t at this point in my life, I know that they will one day swell up and lactate to feed my baby — I mean, that’s what breasts are for, technically, right? But if my breasts are just for feeding babies, why do people who find my gender sexually attractive get so excited and sometimes obsess over them?

Also, why are my breasts relatively big and round? Do they really need to be that way to feed babies? All of our primate cousins do just fine with flat breasts — humans are the only mammal with round boobs that stick out!

Luckily, I’m not the only one thinking about these titillating questions, a few scientists have been pondering the function and evolution of breasts as well and have come up with some ideas.

Breasts can tell you a lot about the woman attached to them: if they are symmetrical, you can see that she has good genetic diversity and had little exposure to disease or malnutrition when she was growing up.
Many scientists also assert that human breasts are larger because this indicates good nutrition and fertility — in fact, they swell up even more during ovulation and pregnancy — the fat in breasts is important for lactation, which is in turn important for raising healthy babies to grow up and work and marry and carry on their genes.

This goes along with the idea that straight men find women more attractive when they have a low hip to waist ratio: that is, bigger hips to indicate good health and fertility, combined with a small waist to indicate fitness and non-pregnancy (which means she’s available for impregnating) = hotness.

So, having a nice round ass should be just as important and attractive as having nice round breasts.

This is exactly what zoologist Desmond Morris thought as he watched the girls walk by in short skirts and tight tops. Unlike our flat chested primate cousins, we walk around upright all the time and one of the most popular positions we use for sex is the missionary position (man on top), where a wonderful female ass can’t be seen or enjoyed.

It occurred to Morris that the human breast may have evolved to be bigger and rounder to remind straight men of a woman’s ass when she is seen face on and, more importantly, to make them think about the fun fertile hole nearby.

This makes sense because, back when we had even more in common with our primate cousins, buttocks would have been the main sexual focus — even more so than they are today.

So perhaps it is no coincidence that human breasts are rounded like our asses— round breasts could be an erotic substitute for the round bum that you might not be able to see and enjoy when you are having a meaningful face-to-face conversation.

But wait! Anthropologist Gillian Bently disagrees. She doesn’t think that my breasts are round because they are an erotic substitute, she says that my boobs are round so that I don’t suffocate my babies when I (one day) breast feed.

As we evolved, the human brain got bigger and the human skull had to change shape to accommodate, resulting in flatter faces. Bently’s idea is that human breasts co-evolved, becoming bigger and rounder to compensate for the infants’ flatter faces, so that they could suckle without having a flat mass of flesh covering their nose and mouth.
She suggests that any sexual interest in these fancy round breasts would have been secondary to the important fuction of not suffocating babies.

Scientist and science fiction writer David Brin, has a different idea about the co-evolution of my breasts.

He diagrees with Morris about my breasts not being an erotic substitute, because there are some other species of primate who mate face to face, and they don’t have big round fun-bags.

Brin doesn’t think I need my breasts to make straight men want to have sex with me, what I need is a way to make them want to stick around and help me (and our potential children) survive.

Brin says that during the evolution of my species, my breasts and even my hourglass figure took a back seat when it came to attractiveness; the most important thing was that women retained certain “child-like” traits: soft skin, big eyes, no beard, a high voice, a thin neck, etc.

Now, humans were already holding on to some child-like traits, this was important for having a flexible brain and personality (which are also attractive), but the traits that Brin says we human females picked up were important for not just attracting a guy, but for attracting the right kind — the kind who will protect us, bring us tasty snacks, and will help us take care of the babies.

But if things had kept going along this way, with fertile women looking so young, we would have had a big problem: How were the healthy straight men supposed to be able to tell who was old enough for sex?
Enter the bigger, rounder breasts; yes, boobs to the rescue.

Along with some other traits, like my hourglass figure, my round bazooms— even if they aren’t as big as some - give you a big, bright, flashing sign telling you that I am past puberty and physically ready to have sex and (one day) make babies.
Brin says that this is why I have boobs — so that I can have my youthful traits but still obviously display my adultness.

So let’s recap here; we’ve learned that it’s not so weird for straight men to sometimes get so excited about breasts — that’s how they know that a woman is, well, a woman and not a child. Boobs are also interesting because they can also show how healthy a woman is and how healthy she has been.
We’ve also heard two different ideas about why breasts are so nice and round: the erotic substitute theory and the anti-suffocation device theory. There surely isn’t just one reason why my breasts are they way they are; so it’s possible that, even though these three scientists kinda disagree, all of their theories, in concert, could have played a part in the evolution of my breasts.

Cumming up a little short

Every once in a while I get some really interesting questions from my readers. Here are a couple that I have received recently:

This first question was from a reader who had had a very busy evening. Just to lay it out for you, first he masturbated in the shower and shortly after met up with a female partner who began to pleasure him orally in preparation for sex. However, after two failed attempts at putting on a condom — he couldn’t maintain an erection with a rubber — they gave up and had sex without a condom.

"We had sex for a good 45 minutes or so due to my not being able to produce any cum. I did not cum at any point with her." He wondered what the chances were that there was still semen inside his penis, which could cause her to become pregnant.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite given enough information to really calculate the exact percentage chance that this gentleman had enough semen left in his penis to get his partner pregnant. However, I can say that yes, there is a chance that his partner could get pregnant from what he described.

When he masturbated to orgasm in the shower he would have ejaculated the majority of his sperm, but not 100 per cent of it — some would still have been caught up in his urethra or further back in his plumbing. Usually this isn’t a big deal as the sperm would have come out on their own eventually or would have been re-absorbed into the body over time. But in this case, he ended up having sex pretty soon after ejaculating.

It’s entirely possible that some of the left-over sperm ended up in his partner’s mouth when she was giving him head, but there is still a chance that some was left to make it into her vagina with his pre-cum when they started having sex. 
So it’s a small chance, but still a chance.

This couple’s first mistake was giving up on using a condom; condoms are 98 per cent effective at preventing pregnancy and around 70-85 per cent effective at preventing sexually transmitted infections, when used correctly.

This couple’s second mistake was not having a secondary form of birth control as a back-up for when they couldn’t get a condom on and/or in case the condom had broken.

A good back-up would be something like her being on the pill, wearing an IUD, using a diaphragm or using a female condom. At the very least they could have liberally applied some spermicidal gel or foam, this is less effective than condoms and can cause irritation, but is more effective than nothing. However, none of these methods, except the female condom, would have protected them from STI’s.

Another thing: it’s not uncommon for some guys to have trouble staying hard when they try to get a condom on, but it just takes practise and/or a little extra effort to get rid of this problem.

Try putting a condom on by yourself; make sure that you use the proper sized condom. Then try using a condom when you’re masturbating. Jerking off while you wear it will help you get used to wearing a condom and, who knows, maybe you’ll really like the experience. Try, in the heat of the moment, having your partner put the condom on you with her mouth, that way you don’t really have to stop the fun to put it on.

This next question is from a woman who used to masturbate when she was younger but stopped and now wants to start up again. "I would love to reach climax; I just really don’t want to break my hymen, how do I achieve this?"

Firstly, there are some things everyone should know about hymens. If you’re worrying about preserving your hymen to prove your virginity, don’t bother: you might not even have one, it might have been "broken" already from non-sexual activities, or it might not even “break” when you do have sex for the first time. A hymen isn’t how someone is going to be able to tell that you are a virgin.

Hymens are a bit of a medical mystery; not all women are born with a hymen, and between the time that a girl is old enough for school and until she reaches puberty, her hymen will be quite thin and delicate. This is because she is not producing as much estrogen. At this time it is thought to be possible for the hymen to be broken by something as simple as horseback riding, gymnastics or strenuous exercise.

After puberty the hymen, if present, thickens and changes shape. Instead of covering the whole entrance, it now forms a little crescent near the bottom that is pretty much indistinguishable from the other folds in a vagina. A woman’s hymen is pretty out of the way; this is why a normal hymen isn’t damaged by using tampons — in fact, for many women, even having sex doesn’t disturb their hymen at all!

Since this reader is well past puberty, her hymen (if she has one) should be thick and able to handle masturbation just fine — so long as she isn’t planning on shoving gigantic dildos or big zucchinis inside herself.

As for actually how to bring oneself to climax, well that’s a little more complicated and something that one has to explore on their own. Every woman is built differently and is going to respond to different types of stimulation.

For many, the most sure-fire way to climax involves clitoral, not vaginal, stimulation. There are many ways to play with a clit: rub it through the hood covering it, lick your fingers or use vaginal juices to lubricate your finger while you rub it or lay on your stomach and press your palm or the heel of your hand against your clit. You could even try rubbing it on things.

There’s no "best way" or “most appropriate way” when it comes to masturbation, there is only the way that works best for you.

Cock is always hotter with a little heavy metal

It’s practically a tradition for university students to celebrate their new-found independence by getting a tattoo or piercing, but instead of getting a boring old navel or ear piercing, you could consider doing something a little more exciting: piercing your naughty bits!

Genital piercing is practised all over the world and some forms have been around for centuries; some come from traditional tribal initiation rites in the days before metal needles, where sharp bamboo was used instead. Today you can safely get almost any type of genital piercing you might want, with reputable body piercers using sterile, super-sharp needles. The only caveat is that you might have to wait a few months before you can have sex again.

But pish tosh, what’s a few months of waiting compared to years of pleasure and the looks on your friends’ and dates’ faces when you tell them about and/or show them your new piercing?

Convinced? Now we just have to figure out which piercing is right for you. There are many of different kinds (especially if you happen to have a penis); some piercings are more painful, some heal faster and some are said to be more pleasurable for a partner.

The "Prince Albert" is supposed to have gotten its name from Queen Victoria’s partner, who was rumoured to have had this piercing as part of a fashion trend of the time. Allegedly, many aristocratic men in the 18th century were getting this piercing done so that they could hook their penis to one side, to prevent it from causing an unsightly bulge in their tight pants — which were also fashionable at the time.

The Prince Albert piercing is done by making a hole and threading a ring or barbell through the urethra to the underside of the penis. A hole is made in the urethra from near the fraenulum, the small bridge of skin at the edge of the glans (the "head"). An open ring is passed through the “eye” of the urethra at the tip of the penis and comes out this hole. This piercing is supposed to provide greater stimulation for the person wearing it during sex, but you may also have to deal with fluids dribbling out of the piercing while you urinate.

If making a new exit for your urethra sounds a little too extreme for you, there’s always the frenulum piercing. This is another very popular male piercing. The frenulum is the small ridge of flesh joining the foreskin to the glans of the penis, often this ridge remains after circumcision. This is probably the safest and easiest genital piercing a man can get because it’s external and heals very quickly. A frenulum piercing is meant to be pleasurable for both the bearer and anyone he has sex with, or it can also be incorporated into chastity devices.

If you are uncircumcised, you could get your foreskin pierced. This type of piercing is said to be at least as ancient as the tradition of circumcision; it is thought to have been common among the Ancient Greeks. Again, today this piercing is popular because it is supposed to enhance pleasure for both partners during sex.

Did the Prince Albert sound too tame for you? Well there are other piercings that involve your glans. Piercing the glans of the penis for the insertion of jewellery has been popular since antiquity; it’s even mentioned in the Kama Sutra (700 CE).

The palang or ampallang is a glans piercing that passes horizontally through, or above, the urethra. Piercing the glans horizontally above the urethra was common practice for adults among many Polynesian tribes and was greatly prized by the wives of the men who had it done. As you may have guessed, this piercing is meant to provide extra pleasure for the male’s partner during sex, but it can be extremely pleasurable for the bearer as well.

Still need to kick it up another notch? The apadravya piercing is the glans piercing mentioned in the Kama Sutra and it is done vertically through the glans; it does not have to pass through the urethra, but it usually does. This is one of the most intense — read: painful — piercings that you can get, but the passage in the Kama Sutra claims that "true" sexual pleasure cannot be reached without it. It certainly should provide pleasure for a female partner during vaginal sex; many of the nerves in a vagina, like at the G-spot, are located at the top/roof and this piercing can provide a little extra stimulation to this area.

Feeling left out because you don’t have a penis? No worries ladies, there are lots of things you can pierce too! Getting your inner and/or outer labia pierced is similar to getting your ears pierced (except lower) and could be a "new" way for you to decorate and get to know your vagina.

The clitoris itself can be pierced, but this is less common because a clitoris has to be fairly large and developed for it to be pierced. It’s much more popular and much less dangerous for the clitoral hood to be pierced.

Even though it is largely responsible for the female orgasm, the little clitoris is often neglected during sex and sexual play; it hides, forgotten, under its hood, but a clitoral hood piercing can bring an end to this neglect, and can be intensely pleasurable for the wearer. The hood can be pierced either horizontally or vertically — vertical is most common — with a ring, a J-bar or a barbell; the inside ball of a barbell should be placed directly over the clitoris to create the extra stimulation it is famous for.

It’s your choice whether you want to get a piercing or not, but if you decide that this is something you’d like to try, make sure you are aware of the risks, choose a reputable piercing place with experienced staff and take care of your piercing so it can heal properly and won’t catch on your clothing or tear your skin. Your genitals are sensitive and full of nerves; with every piercing through erectile tissue — like in a penis or clitoris — you run the risk of hitting these important nerves and damaging your sexual function permanently. Still, even with the slight danger, maybe you are one of the many people who feel that it’s worth the risk.

Back!!!

My column is back in the paper for another term,
so you can expect to find a new* post here every week once more!

*[new as in what I had printed in the paper]

Hurray!!!